One of the positives that religious people claim is the love they feel within their church community and themselves with God. I can understand these feelings having gone through them myself years ago (see about page). The church can be a great place to meet people, after all, you are all there for the same reason, so you have at least one thing in common. I met my first ever real girlfriend (my first true love?) through my church, even took up an interest in netball as she played in the church team. The church organised youth camps; holding hands in front of the fire, singing songs – how is that not beautiful?
So what happens when the love goes wrong?
What happens when one of you decides the partnership is over?
I’ve seen this with religious people, they attend the same church for many years, then something sours. They no longer get on so well with other members of the congregation, the message the church delivers no longer touches their heart, no longer gives them inspiration. Perhaps they doubt what god and religion is all about, they start to think rationally, disbelief sets in.
So they leave, but after years of mostly good times, they start to miss the good times, the fellowship, the love. They see no bright moments in their future. Bitterness, loneliness and depression sets in. Some turn away and never go back, they may even remain bitter forever.
What to do?
Some religious people leave their old church and take up with one of the newer charismatic churches. These churches look like fun, more singing and dancing, playing in a band, clapping hands, having a good time. However, jumping into another relationship often seems like a good idea, but when that collapses as well, it can sometimes feel worse than the original long term relationship.
What happens then, the person finally realises it’s all over, it was all a lie, there is no going back. This can be very emotionally draining for both parties, the friends in the church also get hurt that one of theirs has left. The person is now all alone, they find it difficult to talk to their old partner (the church and it’s congregation), so they need to find something else.
In a lot of communities that are very religious, it must be very difficult for someone who has lost their faith to find someone to talk to. So many of their friends, acquaintances, and work colleagues are religious; no help there. The people from the past keep asking what is wrong, they worry that it is all their fault, what did they do wrong. But sometimes you have to let go and move on, you can’t go back and live with the lie. Your old friends and members of the church also have to let you go. But we all know what a lot of them are like, after all they believe they have been commanded to ’spread the word’.
Is this where the atheist community steps in?
Many of us have ‘been there, done that’. We know what it feels like to let go. In some ways we are suddenly ecstatic, we no longer have to live with the lies and deceit. God wasn’t real after all, there are no ‘wages of sin’; we die, that’s it; no longer living in fear we might go to ‘hell’ if we don’t follow some mystical sky gods demands.
But there is still the loneliness to deal with. Is this something the atheist community should be doing something more about? There are some good web sites where people who are about to leave, or have just left the church, can go to and ‘talk’ with like minded people; get guidance from non-believers. But this is not necessarily enough, where is the community, where can one go to to talk face to face with like minded people? Who can they turn to for emotional support?
I honestly don’t know.
Do you?
I’d really like to know what is out there. If I knew someone personally going through this crisis, apart from my own limited support, what else could I do? Where could I direct them to go?
This post was inspired by various things happening in my life, and remembering about the past. I guess in some ways I was luckier than some, my loss of faith was somewhat gradual and I had a completely new community around me at the time, but what happens to those just cut off?
A lot of questions, and I have few answers, hopefully my readers will help.
Finally, whilst think what to title this post, the words “love lies bleeding” suddenly popped into my head. I thought “isn’t that a song? by Elton?”. A quick search on the net, and hey presto:
Elton John – Love Lies Bleeding (1995 Live In Rio) /10:20
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
The roses in the window box
Have tilted to one side
Everything about this house
Was born to grow and die
Oh it doesn’t seem a year ago
To this very day
You said I’m sorry honey
If I don’t change the pace
I can’t face another day
And love lies bleeding in my hand
Oh it kills me to think of you with another man
I was playing rock and roll and you were just a fan
But my guitar couldn’t hold you
So I split the band
Love lies bleeding in my hands
I wonder if those changes
Have left a scar on you
Like all the burning hoops of fire
That you and I passed through
You’re a bluebird on a telegraph line
I hope you’re happy now
Well if the wind of change comes down your way girl
You’ll make it back somehow
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2 September 2008 at 12:14 pm
I finf solace in sport and other community activities that don’t require religion. Book clubs and writers circles for those of us less inclined to extremes of physical activity.
The hardest thing I think is to overcome our reluctance to try new things and extend ourselves
2 September 2008 at 11:24 pm
I would like to think that if someone that I know and love were needing emotional support that they would allow me to support them no matter what my religious views or theirs. I don’t feel the need to tell someone I am praying for them even when I am. I do want to love and support my friends and neighbors and be there for them whenever they need it regardless of what either of us believe…
3 September 2008 at 1:58 pm
Church community relationships are mediated relationships, like Weight Watcher’s groups or drinking buddies. Certainly “deeper” friendships can bloom in such soil, but it is hardly a fait accompli. So we should hardly be surprised when churchgoers do fall out with other members of their congregation, or at least discover that they have little in common with them apart from adherence to the doctrines of the church. A church community is not a family, any more than a circle of drinking or poker buddies is a family.
3 September 2008 at 10:30 pm
nice to see you back Winey your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Sean, but can’t religious people also do all those things? I don’t know what I’m really looking for, but is there something only atheists would do? Like there are things only religious people would do?
AV, and some religions are also drinking buddies!! But seriously, you are right, but what do we do with those people, once they come to that realisation?
4 September 2008 at 12:53 am
What do we do? We encourage them to accept the reality of the situation, to become a little more circumspect about the nature of these communities, and hopefully they will realise that close friendship, like romantic love, is not something that can be forced.
6 September 2008 at 5:04 am
A couple of forums you can check out:
http://www.atheistthinktank.net/thinktank/index.php
http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/forums/index.php
You can find a lot of like-minded folks there to hang out and chat with. Most of them were religious at one time, and know a lot about recovery.
9 September 2008 at 10:00 am
Not sure if I understood you correctly. All my friendships even when I was in church were devloped in activities that were secular. So I guess my religious experience was not as intense or cloistered.
Perhaaps this is due to having lived my life in a rather unique little town, with a mash of cultures a transient population and unbelievable facilities for its size. Quite simply in Alice Springs you meet with peopl of all walks out of necessity, unimportant stuff like religion or politics doesn’t get in the way of good friendships, activities.
This is changing, the town is growing and we have isolationist churches gaining ascendancy.